God does not see impossibility. He is so secure in His ability to accomplish His will, that He allows, welcomes, and even sets-up situations to test and try what He has promised. I am slowly learning to stop faltering at what arises that appears to be contrary to what He has said. It has nothing to do with His validity; rather it exists to prove Him faithful beyond comprehension. He is Who He says He is. He does what He says He will do. Every time. For all of time. Impossibility has no influence over Him. I want to be like Abraham, who walked in obedience to lay down his dream because he knew God is able even to resurrect it after death. I want to be like Sarah, who, though outwardly laughing at the absurdity of the promise, still counted God faithful beyond impossibility. Holy Spirit has only hope and positivity towards every promise of God for me! Because He knows that nothing is inconceivable with Him. The only impossibility with God is the thought of His failure!
This understanding comes at a good time for me. I am on a journey of recovering a part of my wholeness that has been badly damaged over the past ten years. When I first thought of sharing this with you, I didn't consider telling the whole honest story. It's a bit ugly. But by downplaying my ugly, I also minimize God's beauty. I want to sincerely apologize to my friends or family who are reading this...I wasn't honest with you about all of me, and I am sorry. I ask for your forgiveness in advance. So, for whatever my story is worth, here goes...
In 2001, my family moved to Hong Kong. It was a year of changes for me. I went from relaxed, clean-aired, foot-of-a-mountain living to the crowds, stress, and pollution of the concrete jungle. I also transitioned into an international high school, after homeschooling for 6 years. Plus, I was in an entirely different culture. All of which were excellent growing experiences that I am thankful for. Certainly the best change came in the form of meeting my husband...my transition from girl into woman was smooth, peaceful, and couched in love as I stepped out from the covering of my parents and into the covenant of marriage. One change that wasn't positive was the shift from being a size medium in one culture to instantly being an x-large in the Chinese sizing system. That did a number on my teenage psyche, especially since I had already felt self-conscious about my weight since childhood. I began to purge my food. I clearly remember the first time I bent over the toilet on purpose, desperate to be something I wasn't. I knew better, I really did. I knew it was ineffective and unhealthy. I just wanted to do something, anything. At first it wasn't often. It took a lot of effort to bring the food up and it was unpleasant. But gradually, over time I became desensitized to the discomfort. As I grew accustomed to it, I also developed another unhealthy habit that only encouraged the purging: binging. Hunger was unpleasant, feeling full was torture. As with most bad habits, it grew over years, fluctuating in intensity from hardly at all to several times a day. I expertly hid it from everyone. Even from my loving husband.
For ten years I felt hopelessly trapped in a whiplash cycle of overindulgence and self-loathing. I thought freedom from the bad habits was impossible, and even more so the thought patterns that kept me bound to them. Like ruts worn into a soft path, negative thoughts and lies ran deep tracks in my mind. I struggled on my own, hardly even letting my struggle into the light of my relationship with God. As if my refusal to address it with Him somehow hid it from His notice. But He is patient. Slowly, lovingly, He danced me into a space where the desire to be free and whole was stronger than the desire to protect my image.
Nervously trembling, I finally opened up to my dear friend and mentor. Miraculously, I thought, she responded with understanding and love. She held me and spoke grace over me: accepting me as I am, but demanding that I move forward. I am so thankful for her Christ-likeness. That conversation gave me courage and momentum to tell the one person I love and respect the most in this world: my husband. God surprised me there, too. Instead of shame as I expected, he encircled me with love, prayer, and unity to face the road of healing together. From the place of honesty, leaning heavily on Holy Spirit and those closest to me, I was able to turn my back on the bulimic behavior and begin thinking on new thought paths. Now, over two and a half years have passed, purge-free! And what's better is that even the desire has disappeared and I don't even think about it anymore! In it's place a peace is growing with who and what and where I am.
A couple years ago I would've said emphatically that the above paragraph is pure fiction, impossible. And yet here I stand, on the flip side of freedom, one step closer to wholeness, and with a renewed belief in the mind-blowing ability of God to do what I deem impossible! I couldn't have done anything without Holy Spirit, who has been very close to me, giving me strategies and saturating me with His positivity. At one point, before I even shared my struggle with her, a good friend of mine gave me a prophetic word: she saw me sitting in a prison with ten hash marks as a tally scratched on the wall (one for each year!); I am waiting and asking God, "How long until I am free from this?" (which I have done more times than I could count); the encouragement was that now is the time of my freedom and that there will be a day when I will stop counting how long it's been since I was freed and even forget that it was an issue altogether! Scary accurate! A few days after that, God brought to my mind the episode of Peter being led by an angel out of prison and it says he thought it was a dream. All the chains, doors, and gates open so easily that he doesn't believe it's reality until he's fully free. I received from Holy Spirit that this process of my freedom is going to seem too unreal, almost like a dream! Then, I saw in my mind's eye the angel assigned to walk me through this season. He is terrifically happy! I felt that his name was Chaniah. At first I dismissed this as just me making things up. But I couldn't shake the thought. So, I looked it up to see if it's even a real name. It is a Hebrew name and here is what it means: "grace of the Lord; a place to rest; to be happy". Then, out of curiosity, I looked up the Native American version, Shaniah, which means, "I'm on my way!". That is just perfect! I know I need to rest happily in God's grace as I'm on my way to victory! Also, it's a reminder for my impatient self, who still wants to lose weight, that I will get there eventually and healthfully! Some days are difficult still. On those days, I am learning to lean hard into Holy Spirit for the strength that His hope brings, and to be honest with those few trustworthy humans who are my safety net of love and intercession.
Along with the breaking of outward habits, God is repaving the inner thought paths of my mind, teaching me to think in agreement with His Word, who He says I am. I'm practicing the discipline of rejecting any thought that doesn't line up with His nature, because I have died and no longer live, but Christ lives in me! I asked Him for specific Scriptures that would fill in the potholes of lies and forge new alignments with Truth in me.
My goal in telling this part of my story is to magnify the limitlessness of God. It's important to recognize and reject the lies of darkness that would try to convince us that this part of ourselves, or this situation, or that dream is impossible, even if it feels true. Our feelings always follow our beliefs, and our beliefs are formed by our thoughts. Ask God what He wants to do, believe it wholeheartedly, and then agree with it as often as you can in your heart and mind and words. Focus on Who Jesus is for you and watch Him do the impossible!
The picture below is my visualization of the promise from God for me in this season.
Thanks for reading. I pray God's grace over all of us, to see and believe wholeheartedly in our God of the impossible!
Bliss to you!
Sarah
