Endearing Vulnerability

Yesterday wasn't my best day.  Tired.  Irritable.  More than a little grumpy.  And in constant high demand from my kids.  Just one of those days that left me feeling pressed in upon on all sides, drained, and weak of mind and spirit.  By the time my husband got home from work, I was at the end of my rope.  He took over kid duty and I escaped to a tub of hot water and solitude.   I just wanted to hide from the world and weep.  One of those days.   Don't get me wrong.  My life is great.  I have no complaints.  Which only added the layer of "pansy" to the cocktail of emotions washing over me.  Logically, when I look at the intense suffering being endured around the world, there is no reason for me to be crying into my bathwater.   But I just couldn't do it.  I was at the end of myself.  Run dry.  Broken enough to realize I cannot do life on my own strength, no matter how great that life is.


So, I did the only thing I know that works: collapse into the arms of my Heavenly Father.  I let go of dependance on my own emotional, mental, or spiritual strength and acknowledged, through sobs, my utter need of Him in the very core of my being.  John 15:5 became reality to me: "apart from Me you can do nothing."  Nothing.  I can't even function at a basic level for long with any success without Him.  The religious virus in me wanted to feel shame in this realization and my acceptance of it.  But Holy Spirit had grace enough for me in that state and let me glimpse His heart's response to my weakness.  He said to me, "I LOVE your vulnerability!  I am your Maker and your Bridegroom, my heart beats to be strong for you!  When you come to Me weak and in need of Me, it makes My heart come alive to you!"  If I hadn't already been crying, I assure you I would've started then.

I began to think of my relationship with my husband in this light.  I know that Sam (like most husbands) enjoys coming through for me, his wife.  When I have a need and he meets it, it turns my heart towards him in love and adoration, which in turn stokes the fire of his affection for me.  If I were to go through our married life thinking and acting as if I never had need for Sam's provision, protection, intimacy, or input, our hearts would quickly grow apart and our home life would become increasingly miserable.  No, I need him and he needs me.  And that marriage co-dependency is designed to be a picture of how our hearts were created to need God.


God has a serious hero complex.  He LOVES to rescue, redeem, and show His burning love and everlasting strength for His Bride!  When I let go of my illusion of control and acknowledge that I desperately need Him at a core level, He is not embarrassed or irritated by that....His heart swells in love for my weakness.  I was created to need Him!


I was also created to be victorious in Him!  This year has been one of intense and relentless learning how to live and move in the victory of Jesus.  But that is not the whole human experience.  We are paradoxical creatures in a paradoxical relationship with a paradoxical God.  He intends for me to walk in victory.  And He also intends that when I cannot, I lean hard into Him Who cannot fail.  


Both my victory and my vulnerability work to endear me to His heart!  And both expose His great and unfathomable love for me!
And for you.


Bliss to you!
Sarah